Back in the early days of mikeschramm.com, I would write little pieces here almost every day. This was one of them, a fun little flake of an idea that I turned into something fun at the time (and still relevant, I think, if a little precocious). This is a real album, and these song titles are real. This first showed up on my site on December 16, 2004, and it’s notable to me both because I still like it, and because it got a link on the old Defamer, one of the best sites in the badly mistreated (in my opinion) Gawker network.
ME: Lindsay, how are you? I wanted to chat with you about something, if I could.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Speak.
ME: Of course, of course. You don’t have to be so pushy about it. Ever since that remake of The Parent Trap, I figured you were a pretty nice, head on shoulders kind of girl. But then, of course, the rumors started…
LINDSAY LOHAN: Rumors?
ME: Yeah, you know. That you’re a crazy drinker, that you’re hanging out with Colin Farrell, that you went to a clinic, that you were hooked up with Fez for a while.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Over!
ME: Oh, right, sure — that’s finished now. But still, you have to admit that you’ve got your issues. Which makes me wonder, Lindsay, why America seems to be so ga-ga over you. Just today, I was at work, and some woman saw you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly naked but for stockings, and she went crazy. She was fed up with you– she gestured wildly right at me, and yelled “She”s only 18!” as if I had put you on that cover myself, wanting to rip you from your innocent childhood.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Something I never had.
ME: Well, sure, that’s a factor– you never really did have a childhood. Maybe it’s because you were a child star that you seem so hooked on fame. What other reason do you have for going on SNL this past weekend just to remind everyone that your breasts are real, or mention in every interview you have that drinking illegally in clubs at 18 “isn’t a big deal”? Maybe you’re just a little out of touch.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Disconnected?
ME: Right, disconnected. But I think the truth is more complex than that, Lindsay. The truth is, America wants it both ways. That woman went crazy because she was outraged that you were being made a sex object even though you’re underage. But while I’m sure plenty of guys are attracted to you (no straight guy will ever call a movie star redhead unattractive), I’m not so sure that’s why you’re popular. “Mean Girls,” though smartly written, wasn’t exactly a guy’s kind of movie, nor was “Confessions of a Drama Queen,” And I highly doubt that many red-blooded straight males are out there this week picking up your album “Speak.”
LINDSAY LOHAN: Nobody ’til you.
ME: No, I didn’t buy it either — I just copied the song titles off of it. But my point, Lindsay, is that I think America wants it both ways. They want a hot sexy star to idolize and put in their movies and live it up like they can’t. And on the other hand, they also want to be shocked that you’re naked on magazine covers and gossip about your breasts and laugh at you in the tabloids.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Anything but me!
ME: No, Lindsay, they want to laugh at you. They want you to be better than them, and yet they want to feel better than you. And, while you or other stars your age may disagree, that’s too much pressure to put on anybody that young. That’s what will cause you to party all night after working all day, or show up in weird places talking about things you have no right to. Frankly, you’re being used, and because you get in all the clubs for free and you get paid plenty of money, you probably don’t even understand that that’s true.
Of course, even if you figured it out, and decided to move in either direction– towards a Britney Spears kind of tabloid crazy, or a Mandy Moore kind of psuedo legitimacy, the public would realize that you’re not playing into their plan, and drop you off the magazine covers and charts. But that won’t happen, will it, Lindsay? Because where have your parents and managers told you you want to be on the charts?
LINDSAY LOHAN: First.
ME: That’s right. They’ve made you do anything you can, just so they can be in the shadow of your fame, and yet you’re paying for America’s (and their) needs. It’s a shame, Lindsay, it really is, and I only hope that you make it out of there with your mind (and your dignity) intact.
LINDSAY LOHAN: The very last moment in time.
ME: Oh, do you have to go? What is it, the new Herbie the Love Bug movie? Ok, Lindsay, I’ll let you go. Just know that you’re being pulled in two different directions at once, and if you don’t settle down and get your head on straight, you’re going to end up in even more rehab. Stay cool, girl. Stay cool.