Another entry from the previous mikeschramm.com. I thought I was pretty clever when I wrote this back in 2004 or so.
Malcolm and the Scots rejoice at having found the head of their King, Macbeth. They hold it up! “Thanks to each one and to all at once” for this great effort, says Malcolm.
They carry it back to Macbeth’s body and resurrect him, pull their swords out of Macbeth’s body, pick up a bunch of tree branches and run back to Birnam Wood.
Macduff seems confused and angry, despite the victory. And he’s obsessed with born women for some reason. He yells a bit, but at the sound of trumpets, he runs away.
The resurrection has downsides. Macbeth is heartbroken and moans and whines about “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” and life being a brief candle until one of his servants comes in to tell him that Lady Macbeth has died. Suddenly, Macbeth feels much better.
Meanwhile, Macduff and his men arrive at Birnam Wood and reattach the branches to the trees.
Lady Macduff wakes up and finds out she is no longer dead. Still, she’s been through some trouble — she keeps talking about blood and spots. Macduff, having restored Birnam Wood, heads back to England just in time to find his son and wife meeting with a few murderers. Apparently they had stopped by a moment ago and accidentally left their knives sitting in Macduff’s son and wife. They retrive their weapons, apologize, and head home. Macduff, his Lady, and Junior enjoy some witty banter.
Macbeth meets with the Witches, who tell him that not only will he someday (in a future that’s now in the past) be killed by “no born woman of man,” but also that he won’t be dead until Birnam Wood moves to Dunsinane Hill.
“Suits me,” thinks Macbeth, feeling much better. “They just put it back a moment ago.”
He goes back to meet with Lady Macbeth and they chat for a bit. Lady Macbeth quickly brings in a banquet, and Macbeth seems pretty freaked out until the ghost of Banquo shows up. Macbeth asks if anyone else can see him, and they all say no, which isn’t surprising because Banquo’s ghost promptly disappears, leaving them to enjoy their meal. Macbeth gets much happier, starts to have a little fun at his coronation, and everyone has a grand old time.
Fleance and Banquo meet up with the murderers and give them back their knives, which they appear to have dropped in Banquo earlier. Banquo and Fleance, completely healthy, go back to the stables, and spend a wonderful day riding horses.
Earlier that morning, everyone’s going crazy over the killing of the King, Duncan. Macduff, specifically, is running around screaming how horrible it is. Macbeth tries to shut him up, but he just won’t stop, so the devil’s porter decides to shut both him and Lennox out of the castle for the night.
Lady Macbeth and Macbeth are also unsettled over the killing of the king, especially because every time they run water over their hands, blood keeps showing up on them. Finally, Macbeth decides to put a stop to it, and goes back into Duncan’s room. When he emerges, he’s holding a knife, the blood is gone, and Duncan is alive again. The king has returned!
After Macbeth is finished, he and Lady spent the better part of a night arguing. She questions his manhood, calling him “too full of the kindness of human milk.” Macbeth doesn’t have to put up with this — in the past few days, he’s been killed, resurrected, and given up the crown, along with saving both Banquo and Duncan’s lives. He’s a real hero!
He finds himself wishing his wife would go insane again, until he decides it’s probably better if he and Banquo take a little vacation to Duncan’s castle.
On the way, they’re met by the Witches, who say that Macbeth will soon be Glamis, Cawdor, and King of the Scots. “Been there, done that,” thinks Macbeth, who beckons Banquo and sprints away to go fight some wars (which he likes better anyway, to be honest). The Witches are left by themselves on the dark and lonely heath, blabbering about Hecate and her spirits.
Back at Duncan’s castle, Macbeth is honored for his prowess on the battlefield. Duncan goes on and on about what a great guy Macbeth is. He forgets to mention that he saved his life, but Macbeth is feeling better than he ever has and doesn’t worry about it. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow was yesterday, after all.
Macbeth decides a soldier’s life is the place for him, and heads back to the battlefield to do some heroics, away from Lady Macbeth, Macduff, Duncan, and pretty much all of Scotland. He sees the Witches on his way back, and gets out of there before they can make any more predictions. The play ends with the Witches onstage by themselves, chanting that “foul is fair and fair is foul.”